Hi Divas,
The messages exchanged with one of my closest girlfriends this morning felt strange.
Something just felt off … I couldn’t put a finger on it…
The conversation felt a bit formal. The usual smileys were missing …
The details were missing in the content we were sharing …
The endearing nick names we call at each other were gone…
I asked her straight out – “It feels something is off. Is anything the matter?”
She said – “No, nothing.”
And although it was hard, I believed her and then I LET HER BE.
And YET –
Being the sensitive soul that I am, while still being in the conversation, I could feel the horror of that same old weird pull … tugging at my tummy again.
The stories of the past … the same old familiar fear from experiences of having lost many friends to reasons I still do not know, of being abandoned by people I like and love, they all returned with a renewed force…
Almost instantly, I felt a desperate urge to KNOW what was going on so that I could make it better! I wanted to “fix” it!
Was she feeling triggered? Why was she being distant? Was she being angry at me for something I had done?
I found myself trying to “work out” what had I done and not done in the last days that could´ve touched her the wrong way…
And down and down I went into the spiralling rabbit hole of “why”, trying to figure out something I could not possibly know …
And at one moment I felt exhausted…
I realized I had left myself behind …
And it struck me hard in the stomach…
I had actually abandoned Sami while following this friend into her needs, her desires from the friendship, her unexpressed anger, trying to figure out why she was treating me coldly …
The fear of not being abandoned by another, had led me to abandon myself in that moment…
How sad that feels to even write…
And yet we ALL do it … we abandon ourselves at crucial moments and make up scenarios in our head and beat ourselves up for things we didn´t even do or say …
Just because that´s our auto pilot in relationships. “I must´ve done something wrong!”
And then with that awareness, I stopped … Just that very moment I stopped.
Yes it felt really hard to let go…
Yes I felt extremely sad that I had to experience this disconnect with her… someone who is so dear to me…
And yet I cannot abandon myself anymore. I cannot beg, plead, ask for explanations… when I can feel the energy of the other person resisting it …
She wrote back herself later that day. It felt good. The details and the laughter flowed.
It also confirmed to me … we are all humans here…with our moods and anxieties and triggers …
Complex… and yet beautiful …
But more than anything, it confirmed to me that our fears are only in our heads …
And that a real relationship / friendship … will never strip you off your self-respect and boundaries!
Just because … good relationships are meant to feel good, not bad!
And for those days when you’re feeling more sensitive, my affirmations audio will help.
Love,
Sami Wunder
