Hi Divas! Sami Wunder here!
Most gorgeous, successful women that I have coached or that I am coaching seem to have one running theme in common – they are highly picky about their men!
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He doesn’t look good enough…
He doesn’t speak well enough…
He doesn’t “match” my intellect…
He’s short. He’s bald. He’s casual. He’s not “classy” enough ( whatever that means) …
I understand them. I really do.
These women want the best for themselves. Why should one settle for less, right?
Plus, we’ve all been there. Haven’t we?
I remember disqualifying men as potential partners because they did not meet my “English grammar correctness” requirements, or because they were “not entertaining enough” or because (worst one!) they were “too sweet and nice to me”.
And…
Can you spot the one chief quality I was exhibiting all this while that I was sticking to my useless checklist and disqualifying men?
It was JUDGEMENT.
Yes! Back then I was very judgemental of all the men around me!
It was almost like a disease. Any good guy who made a move towards me was immediately disqualified for some lame reason that would never matter in a long term relationship…
However, with time I found out that my judgement of these men didn’t speak much of them in reality.
Many of them went on to be happily married very quickly with other gorgeous women who could accept them for who they were…
However, I stayed single and continued to JUDGE … He is not this enough and he is not that enough…
This lasted until of course the day I realized that –
In the midst of all that judgement I projected on men, I was actually, day in and day out, judging myself …
Instead of speaking anything about them, my judgement for these otherwise wonderful men, spoke volumes about me…
The truth is that I judged how I looked, how I talked, how I walked, how much hair I had on my head, what I wore, whether I was classy enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, likeable enough etc etc etc…
In other words, at a deep sub-conscious level, I believed I “wasn’t enough” just the way I was – to be loved and accepted for who I truly was.
I didn’t feel like I had a birth right to be loved – just for who I am inherently and not because of all the flurls and curls that society would want us to have.
And because I didn´t believe in my own inherent self worth, I didn’t believe / trust/ like / feel turned on/ by any man who tried to show it to me that I was worthy of his affection, time and love…
Hence, every time a good man even tried getting closer, “being nice”, I would find something “wrong with him” and disqualify him and push him away instead…
However, as you know my story, I turned this around for myself.
How?
The big word that helped me here so much was: Self-Acceptance!
That priceless moment where I could bring myself to accept myself for who I was, the crap and grey parts included, that exact moment it started to feel easier to deal with and accept another person´s imperfections too…
And to understand that they were still worthy of being loved… exactly like I was… with all those imperfections…
That there is more to a man than the hair on his head… that there is more to a man than how he dresses up…
And no, I didn’t end up marrying a short, unattractive man who dresses badly… I married a handsome, tall, masculine man without even looking for it to happen!
The turning point here was my own vibe.
When I learnt how to let go of judgement and really get curious about and see another person´s soul instead of just the exterior, energetically I became a more a relaxed, feminine energy woman and therefore, much more attractive to my kind of man in the first place.
A quick way to let go of judgement in a given situation is to get really aware of when you are being in “judgement mode.”
If you find yourself finding faults in a man who wants to woo you (judging), STOP yourself and ask yourself – Where am I judging me?
You will always catch that our judgement of others is almost always resulting from the fact that we are judging ourselves.
When we can fully and completely embrace ourselves, we can just sit with a man, feeling relaxed and at ease, feeling curious about what his inner world looks like, what kind of a person he is instead of dissecting him down like a frog on a laboratory table.
And what will this do to your dating experiences?
It will help you STAY OPEN to different kinds of men and the diversity of quality and experiences that they can bring to your life.. IF ONLY … you can give them a chance.
Have you had similar experiences with pushing good men away because they didn´t make it on your checklist? I would love to hear from you in the comments section below.
To help you stay open and positive (and stop those self-judging negative voices), it helps to listen to my affirmations audio. Together with my ebook, they will really make dating a whole new experience for you. Find them both in my special offer Diva Dating Toolkit!
Love, Sami
P.S.- This article by no means indicates that you should continue dating/being with a man who is an alcoholic, takes drugs or is physically abusive. It is only meant to indicate that there are a large sample of really good single men out there who are rejected by us women for reasons that have nothing to do with a man’s long term ability to love us and be there for us – things that should REALLY matter when selecting a potential partner.
3 Responses
interesting read.true words.totally agree.key to a good life in general: be happy w yourself. what sounds so easy comes down to a lifelong process. especially in our consumer-driven, competitive and self-centered world where apparently EVERY aspect of our life seems to be in need of optimization…our bodys, relationships, apartments…even the food on our plate:) to accept and love oneself w all imperfections that are part of being human and to be less judgemental of others are great advises to live by, thanks for sharing sami! P.S. great headline 🙂
Thank you Kristina! I feel glad this resonated with you. And yes, almost always when we are hard on others ( especially our men), it´s a clear sign that we are being hard on ourselves! Take it easy on yourself and you will take it easier on them too!
WOW! This is totally me! As a divorced, 46 year old educated and high value woman in a loveless marriage for years, I thought I was just using my “wisdom” to find the whole package. I want it all! I’m not willing to settle! He must be very tall, educated, emotionally healthy, fun, wordly, financially secure, etc, etc, etc. if he has salt and pepper hair and blue eyes as well we are in business! And chemistry…. It must be mind blowing and immediate!!!! I find myself WAY pickier than I was in my 20’s (the last time I dated). I just thought it’s because my self worth is HIGH now. I’m not a judgmental person in general and that’s why it’s fascinating that I am soooo picky in this dating world. Part of it is that if you are dating from websites, you have such limited info and time (single working mom) so you are trying to make big decisions with limited info (a few pics and a short bio) and just dont have a lot of time to meet a gazillion men. You want to maximize whet little time you have. Anyway, I digress. But you have given me something to think about and ponder. Thank you!