Sami Wunder

Are Your Intimacy Fears Accidentally Pushing Love Away?

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Hi Divas,

Have you ever experienced the following: you meet a great man, everything is going well and suddenly you see a quality in him that makes you want to “break up?”

And by “quality” I don’t mean anything drastic like finding out he is cheating on you or is unable to meet your core needs.

I am talking about more harmless things like how close he is to his sister, how he’s “too much” into you or how he doesn’t give you enough space and distance in your relationship.

Here’s an example. An amazing women I am privately coaching right now shared with me the other day how she wanted to break up with this man who was treating her nothing less than a queen. Her reason was that he was not giving her, her space, even when she was sick. He wanted to come down and see her and take care of her!

Yes, this man wanted to be there for her and she instinctively saw it as a “bad” thing instead of a good thing.

It’s not my client’s fault that she reacts the way she does though. After living 44 years of her life independently, taking care of her financial and emotional needs for all of her single life by herself, she is simply not used to someone coming in and offering to take care of her and support her while she’s sick.

However, what she sees as “lack of space” is actually a barrier to real intimacy, a wall that protects her heart from possible disappointment and heart break.

Let me explain.

In real relationships where there is true love and intimacy developing, it is NATURAL AND IT IS DESIRED that your partner should want to be there for you when you are going through a hard time.

In fact, it would be very odd (and almost a red flag) if you were lying sick in your bed and the man you are dating for 4 months couldn’t care less.

In healthy relationships, we want our men to be present for us, to give to us abundantly and to stay close to us. If a relationship is developing for the long run, as part of natural progression, you should be spending more and not less time together, more intimate and not less intimate time together.

And yet, it is our fears of intimacy that make us push away such love when it shows upon our doorstep.

Intimacy fears are the fears of being “too close” to someone. When intimacy fears are activated, they activate a whole cluster of other deep, unresolved fears in us. These fears then lead us into giving auto-pilot, knee-jerk reactions that we “think” will protect us. 

For instance, if you have been hurt in the past in love and you haven’t worked on healing yourself, you don’t want a man to come too close to you else you feel afraid you’ll be hurt again. At a sub-conscious level, without even realizing it, keeping some distance makes you feel safe.

Same with abandonment issues. You would rather reject a man quickly based on a silly reason than let him get close to you and possibly abandon you. This also explains your tendency to “knit-pick” on the smallest of things in a man in order to find a reason to disqualify him before things get too “real.”

As you can see, intimacy fears are like a wall around our heart. While their function is to essentially protect us from being hurt, they also keep good men and love at an arm’s distance from us. We can’t love with our hearts half shielded.

The way forward then is to open up and let the love in. Let your feminine energy “receiving” muscle stretch and receive, receive, receive from a man to the point it switches organically from feeling uncomfortable to feeling good and natural to be in the receiving space.

It’s takes practice, it takes awareness but if you are determined, you can turn around these patterns and attract and keep grand love in your life. And my Diva In Love, Diva In Life feminine energy affirmations audio will get you started on this self-work.

I’d love to interact more personally with you on my exclusive Facebook support group Wunder Divas where women are truly making huge personal strides in love – www.facebook.com/groups/wunderdivas

See you there?

Love,

Sami Wunder

 

 

 

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