Today’s question has plagued each one of us, at some point or another of our love lives. Specifically, how should we deal with our boyfriend’s female friend being too close?
What if we don’t feel comfortable around her or with him being around her so much? So, when our boyfriend’s female friend is too close, what can we do?
Should we share our discomfort with our man?
Or maybe we should play the “cool” girl and pretend everything’s ok?
Should we put our foot down and say in no uncertain terms that we won’t “tolerate this”?
Rebecca is in a similar situation. Her boyfriend’s female friend is too close for her comfort, and it’s driving her crazy.
Here’s her question to me:
“Hi Sami. There is something that REALLY bothers me.
My boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and that makes me very uncomfortable.
They have known each other for over 10 years now, and he spends so much money on her. And each time I bring this up, we fight. He says she is very important to him. That he will not give her up because she has always been there for him.
I sent him a text today sharing my discomfort with him, and got an accusatory text back. He said I was jealous and I have to be more grown-up about his friend. I realized I was pushing him a bit too much. So I wrote him that it’s all good and I love him and it’s fine. In response, I got even more rude messages back from him, telling me that he is tired of my jealous bouts and cannot trust me anymore.
I am at my spirit’s end. Please HELP ME!
Thanks and much love, Rebecca.”
My Answer – How To Deal When Your Boyfriend’s Female Friend Is Too close
Rebecca, first of all, a big hug to you.
Your letter feels very triggering for me. I am going to be straightforward here, so don’t read ahead if you don’t want to…
Now that you’ve decided to read this, then first go back and read your own letter to me. Do you notice how confused you sound?
But the confused part is okay. We all feel confused at times, and if a boyfriend’s female friend is too close, that is enough to make any woman confused!
What troubles and saddens me is how much “back-and-forth” you go on your own stands. To me, it feels like an oscillating pendulum, swinging between extremes. At one moment, you find it unacceptable that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close and that he spends so much money on her – and in the next moment, you text him, “it’s all fine and I love you”. And then you express surprise and shock at his stream of accusatory messages towards you.
Let me get this straight for you, Rebecca:
Relationship Reality Check #1
It’s a choice you made to share your discomfort that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and I LOVED that bit of your confidence.
And – every time you take a stand like that with a man, you have to STICK TO IT. You have to fully embrace your “bad” feelings around this woman, and give them respect, over and above any reasons your man has to offer to you for his friendship with this woman.
Like a broken record, you have to go, “I don’t feel comfortable around her.”
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Relationship Reality Check #2
You cannot change your version from one moment to the next into – “It’s all fine and I love you.”
Why would you say it’s fine, when you know it’s not fine for you that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close and that he spends so much money on her?
When you say it’s fine, not only does your man sense your discomfort and insecurity around your own feelings, he also takes you less and less serious.
When you yourself don’t take your feelings and your own stand seriously, he has no reason to take you seriously either. And the worst part of it is:
Relationship Reality Check #3
Repeated incidents like these reduce our man’s attraction for us. You made an active choice to share your dislike of the friendship and of the fact that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close for your comfort.
This is all fair and it’s what I would have encouraged you to do, too.
But you backed out on your stand the very second he sent you a text that told you he was sticking to HIS stand.
Again, it is his choice, and I have respect for him at this moment – for sticking to his truth.
Your choice, on the other hand, Rebecca, was to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who values his friendship over and above you, your feelings and his relationship with you. Instead, you followed your insecurities. You ignored your own feelings of discomfort that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close, and you apologized to him.
Frankly, and it hurts my heart to say this, but I am not surprised that what followed from him was a series of messages that were accusatory in nature.
As harsh as it sounds, this is human instinct.
When men feel in our “vibe” that we treat our own selves badly and as less important, they feel alright with doing the same.
And that’s what’s happening between the two of you right now. What is done is done.
If you are wise and self-serving, you will take this an opportunity to learn and not beat yourself up about it.
But for next time Rebecca, please be less “urgent” in your reactions. Seek a girlfriend to get clarity on your own ideas if you must. Or better yet, seek healing for your deep insecurities in love.
Final Advice
If I were you, Rebecca, I would respect myself in the situation, and not get further and further trapped in having “discussions” with a man who is giving you a clear sign that he is not at the place of commitment that you would want him to be.
I would simply not invest myself further in this relationship. There are so many men out there who would be READY to give you exactly what you want.
And yet, Rebecca, this will only solve the current situation and prevent a further downward spiral with THIS man. If your self-esteem is inherently low inside (I sense it to be), these patterns will repeat themselves in whatever relationship comes up next again.
So you see, in the end it’s not even about the fact that your boyfriend’s female friend is too close. That is just the outside trigger.
And for everyone reading: If you’re dealing with a similar situation where a man, even if you are in a relationship, I warmly advise you to check out my Attract Your Soulmate program. The first two modules will help you gain inner strength and a sense of self-worth, and truly believe that you are worthy of being fully loved and cherished. And if you decide that a man who is not putting you first is not for you, then the last two modules of Attract Your Soulmate will teach you to bring in, from a place of healthy confidence, that man who WILL be ready and willing to love, prioritize, and commit to you.
Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on Digital Romance.
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