Have you ever been in love with a man online, a man you have never even met?
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Have you ever experienced strong feelings of chemistry, attraction and longing for him while communicating over digital media, so much so that it felt real to you?
Have you exchanged promises, professed deep love and spilled out intimate details over digital devices, only to feel confused and heart-broken upon his unexplained absence or outright disappearance?
All of a sudden, your heart feels jolted and you wonder if those words you both exchanged meant anything at all?
If you said “yes” to being in any of those situations, it’s possible that you have fallen in love with a man online – and rest assured, you are not alone.
Why Is It Easy For A Woman To Fall In Love With A Man Online?
In my field of work as a love and relationship coach, countless women come to me with stories of how they fell in love with a man they met online (not once in real life) and how it ended up badly after an initial phase of “online high.”
As a general trend in most of these cases, intense conversations and promises take place over Skype, phone and Facebook chats and give the woman the illusion that she is in a “real relationship”. While the man may not necessarily be trying to trick or fool her, the real question is…
… Even if you feel you’ve fallen in love with a man online, is it wise and beneficial for you to get so invested when you haven’t even met him once?
Let’s look at Morgan’s Question…
“Hi Sami. A friend referred me to you for advice. I’m a single mom of two kids. Earlier this year, I became friends with a guy on Facebook. We maintained the friendship and he always praised me on how intelligent and strong I am. I used to ignore his signals, since I didn’t want him to think of me as being easy and desperate, and since I’m the one who sent him the friend request.
Come May this year, and he admitted to falling for me. I couldn’t resist it, since I had feelings for him too. From chats to calls, that’s how we kept in touch. He talked of courting for 7 years without sex which we agreed to preserve for marriage. His reason for that long period of courtship was that he’d be able to give me a wedding and will have made enough money to care for me and the kids.
Last week I asked him if he’s on Skype, he said “no” but will join once he buys a laptop. The following day he told me he’s available on Skype and I just told him “nice”. He never replied. The following day, he changed his number to a number he gave me in March. On asking him why things were changing he said that he still loves me and is still planning on visiting me since he’s from a neighbouring country. He still assured me of our marriage.
He has now again gone for 4 days without communication, and I am feeling horrible. Did I say something bad that hurt him? Has he found a new passion? Has my being insecure pushed him away? I really love him and would like to have him back. Please tell me what to do. Thanks in advance. ~ Morgan.”
For those of us reading this letter objectively, it might already feel “too much” that a man and a woman that have never met each other are discussing plans for courtship and marriage. However, I have to tell you, it happens all the time and, for the woman that it happens to, the pain of being in love with a man online is as real as the promises that were made to her.
Morgan – The first thing to learn here as a woman is that (and this might trigger you and make you get defensive):
There Is No Real Relationship Until You Have Met the Man in Person
Everything virtual (chats over computer, Skype, texts, emails and phone calls) don’t amount to a real relationship until you have physically met the man, at least once, and felt each other’s energy in person.
In the current era of information technology and digital romance, the lines between a real relationship and what I call an “instant virtual relationship” may feel blurry, thus putting many women in a position to feel in love with a man online.
So what is the difference between the two?
A real relationship is where you meet the man and the relationship progresses from online chatting, to texting, to phone calls, to real dates, to commitment. Real relationships move forward and evolve in real life, instead of getting stuck and stagnant on a virtual medium.
On the other hand, an “instant virtual relationship” is where connection and chemistry is felt instantly between you and a man over a virtual medium.
You feel swept by the urgency of the moment and declarations of love and promises are made online, without ever facing the “normal discomfort” that a real relationship needs and requires – planning to meet, meeting and experiencing each other in person, spending money on dates, investing “real” time and effort into another person.
Now, there is no need to assume that there is any false intention on the man’s part (absolutely not, in fact most men are being true in the moment and many relationships do go on to develop from online mediums into real life). However, this kind of “instant rushing” into a relationship where you tell a man “I love you” without ever meeting the man can be premature and leave you vulnerable to being over-invested in him.
Real love takes time to build and, even if it goes fast, it has to be in person and not over a computer. So next time, Morgan, before investing your emotions so heavily in a man, make sure you have met him and experienced him in person at least once.
Even When You Have Met Him, Take Your Time Before Discussing Serious Topics Like Marriage and Kids
Marriage and taking care of kids are serious topics that need real responsibility and commitment. No man in his wildest dreams will be ready to take and deliver such responsibility unless he is completely, truly, emotionally invested in you.
When you rush to discuss such things with a half stranger because you think you have fallen in love with a man online, these topics lose their sanctity and seriousness. It’s too much, too soon.
You can almost compare it to “kid talk”, where two children indulge in quick, intimate fancy about the future, without bearing in mind any repercussions and real actions that must be taken to achieve this fantasy.
Date Other Men In Your Area
This might be the hardest part for you to hear, Morgan, but start dating other men in your area. I don’t want you to get all hung up and keep your emotions heavily invested on a guy that lives in another country and whom you haven’t even met once.
Even though the connection feels strong to you, there can be no “real love” here, not yet.
As a love coach, I can bet you my bottom dollar that if he means any business, he will step up and visit you and make this virtual relationship into a real one by consistently contacting you and taking action to make it happen. Until then, your job is to keep your options open and give other good men a chance, the men who might actually want to give you everything you want.
Instant virtual relationships can often cause more pain than good. It is in our best interest to take them for what they truly are, virtual, and not jump into hasty conclusions about their depth and intensity, until they have manifested as real in our lives.
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Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on Digital Romance.