As a relationship coach, I often get asked: what prevents many women from finding the right man? Here’s a helpful analogy that will help you understand this pattern better.
Ladies, let us assume for a moment that you are a woman who likes to take care of herself. You like doing yoga, some fitness and eat good food, because you know it’s good for you and your body in the long run.
Now, imagine this.
One evening, I ask you to choose your meal from two food options that have been served on the table:
- Super fat French fries with Mayonnaise.
- A bowl of green leafy salad with some cheese or chicken.
Which one would you choose?
My guess is most of you would go “eww” at the sight of the Mayo loaded unhealthy French fries and go for the healthy leafy salad with lean protein.
Rational choice, right?
Even if you are a foodie like me who would give in to the temptation of the French fries for a day, you would want the salad the next day, or at least the third day onward.
No woman in her sane mind would keep filling her body with toxic stuff, again and again, over the long term.
Now let’s place the choice of 2 kinds of men before you:
- A successful, handsome, “player” sort of man, who charms you no end. He creates intense attraction within you by being good with words and making promises that he never keeps. The chemistry, the connection feels great with him, if only you could get him to give you attention and have a relationship with you.
- A good guy who wears spectacles, does his job sincerely, doesn’t know all the charms in the world but knows one thing – he likes you and is willing to make the effort for you. He calls, texts and wants to see you and make you happy, over and over again.
Now, which one of them would you choose?
I wish I could confidently say that you would choose number 2, but I am afraid it would be incorrect, given the experiences I have made with hundreds of women in my private love coaching practice, who are still far from finding the right man…
Chemistry Issues And Choosing The Right One For You
When it comes to men and dating choices, all the rationality and self-love flies out of the window and you find yourself attracted, attached and obsessed with men that are not good for you – emotionally unavailable men, non-committal men, married men, men who are not capable of giving you the relationship you want (and say so directly) or sometimes outright toxic, emotionally and physically abusive men.
In other words, your otherwise rational, self-serving choice becomes irrational and self-defeating when it comes to love. I call this the Chemistry Trap.
Your goal is finding the right man, yet you end up picking the wrong ones and then you punish yourself for not being good enough when they treat you poorly or disappear on you although somewhere you knew all along that this was going to happen – given the choices you are making.
The good men, the men who are interested in us and want to treat us well appear “boring” and not exciting enough.
It’s like choosing French fries over and over and over again because salad is boring. And you do it even though you know it’s bad for you and your body will have to pay a price for this in the long term.
So Why Don’t Women Succeed In Finding The Right Man?
We do it because we feel chemistry!
Chemistry can be equated to that strong and super intense feeling of temptation / pull / attraction that you felt and had to overcome to choose the salad over the fries.
When it’s food, you can see and choose clearly – but when it’s men, chemistry blind-sights you and your ability to make healthy choices.
Your love coach Sami, your girlfriends, your mother, your sister, everyone tells you – “This guy is not good for you”, but you can’t see it because chemistry has got you hooked. You feel an intense longing for this man who is treating you poorly and you can’t think of anyone else but him.
Now, treating poorly doesn’t mean that a man is beating you and verbally abusing you. That is illegal, unacceptable and requires police intervention – a love coach.
In romance, treating poorly can just look like not calling you, not making an effort to court you or be with you.
When a man is not doing that in a romantic relationship, he is treating you poorly!
Countless women get into this pattern in their quest of finding the right man: they base their decisions on chemistry and, believe it or not, sometimes it can cost them years to recognize and break out of this unhealthy “choosing” pattern.
What Does Healthy Choice-Making Look Like When It Comes To Men?
It looks like staying open to all men and giving them a chance, not just the ones we feel pulled towards.
Remember, if we see that, again and again, we are unsuccessful in finding the right man, this is a sign that somehow our system is wired to get pulled towards what’s not good for us, and the only way to turn this around is by slowly changing the way we choose men to love us.
Hence, I recommend my clients to go out with every guy (unless he feels unsafe or threatens your physical security) and don’t look for “attraction and chemistry” at the start, but for qualities that make a relationship last in the long-term, the qualities that last long after the chemistry and passion has mellowed down.
For Finding The Right Man, Look For Qualities Such As:
- Is he kind?
- Is he generous with his money?
- Does he treat me well?
- Do I feel good around him? (Most defining quality!)
- Does he care for my happiness?
- Am I one of his top priorities?
Smart women choose their men smartly.
They choose men who offer them the “complete package” that a relationship needs (honesty, consistency, loyalty) and not just attraction or chemistry.
They choose men who are wanting to put an effort for their happiness, men who treat them as a priority.
Just like you can’t expect to keep eating Mayo-loaded French fries and not get fat, you can’t expect to pick the wrong men and not be heart-broken in love.
Change who you are choosing in love and watch your love life transform before your own eyes. Instead of letting chemistry lead the way for you, take your dating journey into your own hands by learning what works with the Diva Dating Toolkit.
To knowing, choosing and liking more salad kind of men!
Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on Digital Romance.