At a recent workshop that I organized for women in Paris, I met some very interesting, successful, kick-ass women who bravely admitted to having their share of struggles in love. As we talked and opened up to each other and did some exercises together, most of these women realized they liked to be the “leading partner” in their relationships.
They had strong impulses to control their man, to control their relationship, to push the relationship forward, to decide, to be the smart one between the two, to be the decision-maker, planner and initiater – all masculine energy traits we know so well.
Now there is nothing wrong with this per se. Masculine energy is great too! It’s needed and it is this energy that has brought these women so far in life and so much success.
However, the challenge is that all these women want masculine men. They want a man who is charismatic, knows what he is doing, is in control and leads them into romance – plans dates, brings them flowers and presents, is ambitious and has goals for his career and can take charge of situations better than them. This is the kind of man these women feel attracted to.
And while such men absolutely exist, they are attracted to feminine energy partners! A masculine man is very quickly turned off by masculine energy women, because he wants to lead and they want to lead too and all you get is a head-butting ceremony, a clash of the same energies.
However, does this mean that these women have to be single forever or that they have to change themselves? Absolutely not. The following are my two cents for this case –
1) You don’t have to change yourself inherently but you can learn how to switch hats between masculine and feminine energy.
You can be outright masculine at work ( if you believe that is you and some women have inherently more masculine energy than feminine energy) but “choose” to be feminine energy in your partnership with a masculine man – if that’s what you want. If you want a masculine energy man, he will be intinctively attracted to feminine energy women and this is nature and evolution – not an intellectual concept that we can argue and debate with or have an “opinion” collision on.
It also helps to remember that when we learn about feminine energy, we are just learning how to use a new set of skills in our relationships. It does not amount to changing ourselves or not being our true-selves. At least, not anymore than learning a new language changes you. In my world-view, it only enhances you and makes you richer.
2) If feminine energy is not for you, you can go for a feminine energy man who will complement your masculine energy in the relationship.
I see this a lot with many modern, successful women I know. Their guys are no big-shot CEOs or managers themselves but sculptors, artists, writers, men in softer professions who can complement the energy of the woman they love. This too can be a great partnership because these women find emotional comfort and solace in the arms of these men. However, these women are doing the heavy lifting in the relationship – they are earning the bigger chunk of money or all the money between the couple, supporting the family financially while the man is supporting the household and the woman´s career. This again is a great partnership and such families work very well too and there is love in them.
However, a woman has to be very sure and very comfortable with the fact that she is the masculine energy partner in the relationship and that this is the contract/agreement with her man in the relationship. It is wrong to feed the hope that the man will change himself and step up over time.
Some of my clients return with resentment and frustration after years of being masculine in their relationships with the complaint that their man is lazy and doesn’t work hard enough to make money and they feel exhausted after years of being the leader in the relationship and supporting the family.
“How can I change him Sami?” they ask.
And the answer is you can’t. You can’t change another person no matter how hard you try and how much you believe you can. You can only and only change yourself.
If you have decided to be the leader in the relationship. your man’s default position will be feminine energy. The poor fellow is left with no choice but to be in feminine energy with you. If he would not, your relationship wouldn’t have lasted this long because you cannot have two leaders in a relationship.
Think of it like this: a train with two drivers wanting to drive in the opposite direction – you want it your way and he wants it his way and both of you want to have it your way because you believe you are right! As you can imagine, this train will never move anywhere. So if resentment is building up with your “lazy” man, you have to either accept him the way he is or you have to shift your own energy, for him to have to space to shift his. Unless you shift into feminine, there is no way he can step into masculine.
This is my answer to all women who come to me asking: how can I inspire him to do more for me romantically, do more for the family, support us more financially?
And if you cannot let go of your urges to control, lead, plan, initiate, tell him what he should do, there is no way you can inspire, seduce, lure, attract, push him into being a more masculine guy. If anything, you will end up in repeated, exhausting arguments and this will go against you and further strain your relationship.
The more feminine energied partners we can be, the more we can inspire our men to be the leaders. We need to empty the space we have taken in the relationship so that the other can step in and take it up.
It takes a deliberate, intentional, effort to walk this path and this is the work we must do on ourselves!
To help you with this work specifically, I’ve created Soulmates Forever, my advanced, signature program for relationships. It will take you through a whole journey of “doing” relationships from a feminine place.
I would love to hear back from you. Do you struggle with being masculine in your relationship? Has it had an adverse impact on your relationship? Do you feel inspired to learn more about feminine energy or would you rather just find a feminine energy man who complements you?