In all my years of coaching single women, women in relationships, married women…

This topic is still a relevant –and juicy– one:

What do I do about other women in my man’s life?

Or, to paraphrase on my terms:

How do I draw boundaries with other females in my partner’s life?

That could be an ex (or more), female colleagues, female friends…

In this article, I’ll give you the top 3 principles I teach inside my best-selling coaching program, Elevate, on how to deal with your partner’s relationships with other females when it comes to your marriage or relationship.

These principles are important to assess whether or not this is an issue to your relationship, and what you should do in each case.

How To Deal With His Exs (& Other Females!)

1. Is She Really A Threat?

The first thing I tell my Elevate clients is to ask themselves:

Is this woman really a threat? Or is she just triggering/annoying/frustrating me?

A lot of the time, when I work with my Elevate clients, I see them getting pissed about their partner talking to his ex on the phone every once on a blue moon.

Then this starts a lot of fights and conflict that sound like:

W: I don’t want you to talk to her.

M: She’s just a friend! We were talking about something minor… I don’t feel it for her, I love you – but I don’t want to cut things off with her.

Have you ever had a conversation like that with your partner or in a previous relationship?

In this scenario, it’s really important to ask yourself if the woman that your man is talking to is really a threat, OR if you’re simply uncomfortable with your partner having any relationship with any female besides you.

Most of the time, these connections are actually harmless and they do not have the power to harm the deep emotional connection you have with your partner.

Of course, I’m saying this under the assumption that you already have an otherwise strong relationship…

Because if you don’t have that strong, loving, connected, intimate, romantic relationship, then these things will trigger you far more and they actually might end up being more destabilizing for the bond with your man.

So if you feel that she’s actually not a threat but she is triggering you, we come to our second point of assessment:

2. Is It Your Core Value?

If you’ve realized that the women in your man’s life are triggering you despite not being a threat…

You want to understand WHY they’re triggering you.

So now it’s time to ask yourself:

Is it my core value that I do not want my partner to closely communicate with another pretty woman?

Some women can get extremely uncomfortable in a scenario where their partner is interacting with other women.

The man could just be talking in harmless ways to other women and have zero feelings for these other females, but if your core value is being violated, then you must draw a boundary here.

Take an example from Elevate, my 6-month group coaching program where we help you meet and marry the love of your life in under a year.

One of the women had a really hard time when her partner wanted to spend time with his daughter because his ex wife would often be there and that really triggered her.

So my coaches and I asked her if there was anything uncanny going on between them…

Anything unusual or odd that stood out in their interactions (like hugging all the time, texting each other all the time, etc)…

But there wasn’t. It was simply a case of co-parenting!

So the next thing we did was ask her if she could bring herself to a point where this relationship stopped triggering her, because her man wasn’t really doing anything except being respectful to her.

And that’s when she realized it was a hard NO for her.

In the conversation that followed, we figured out that this is her core value. She comes from a more conservative culture and it felt really hurtful to her that her man would spend holidays and entire afternoons with his ex – even if just to be with his daughter.

Now, I want to make something very clear:

You do NOT have to judge yourself or think that, if this is a core value to you, you should simply ‘be more secure’, ‘be more relaxed’, or ‘let it go’.

Core values are meant to be respected. That’s why it’s important to first ask yourself if this woman is a real threat.

Ultimately, the decision inside Elevate was that this man is not the right person for her because she did not want to compromise on this value, so she deserves to be with a man who can respect that core value.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who get it! Men who don’t want to put you in a situation where you are always feeling triggered or insecure around another woman…

And that leads to the third principle:

3. Is It His Core Value?

Sometimes, men will really resist you when you say you don’t want them to see or text a woman.

And it’s not because they don’t love you! It’s because for these men, not seeing or talking to these women goes against their own core values.

It could be the case that friendship is a core value to him, no matter if those friends are women…

Or that having a good relationship with his exs is a core value to him…

Or that being open to getting to know more women in a friendly way is a core value to him…

By core values, what we mean is that this issue is really important for someone. So if there’s nothing harmful about your man speaking to these other women and it doesn’t go against your core values, you should be able to respect his own.

When She IS A Threat

So let’s just say you’ve assessed the situation and there is a woman in your man’s life that does feel like a threat.

You’re trusting your intuition and something feels off or uncomfortable to you. You might notice…

What are some good boundaries around this person?

Well, the boundary I recommend is NO alone time. Having a serious conversation where you ask your partner to either remove this person from their life, or refrain from going out with her 1:1 or texting privately, explaining that it makes you very uncomfortable.

This is the kind of boundary that you need to be very firm with, and one that can be a dealbreaker but save you a lot of heartache.

Of course, only have this conversation if this is serious.

This is why the first question is so important, because so many times it’s about our own insecurities or even values. We feel uncomfortable around these amazing women because we feel threatened, but not because they’re doing anything – they’re just being their amazing selves!

That’s why an entire module of Elevate is dedicated to this, to working on yourself, on loving yourself and liking yourself and feeling like the prize in love.

If you’d like my help taking your relationship to the next level, whether you’re in a relationship or marriage that you want to heal and improve, or single and want to find your forever man, then I’d love to see you inside Elevate…

Where you’ll get 6 months of live coaching from me and my co-coaches, and other amazing supportive women who are going through the same as you and have your back on this journey.

Because sometimes as successful women, we stop ourselves from asking for help. We feel that if we ask for help, there’s something wrong with us. But actually, asking for help is what smart women do when they need RESULTS.

You don’t have to do it alone! You can do it with a whole team of experts who can help you get what you want so much faster than if you did it alone…

Find out more about Elevate here.

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