Hi Divas, Sami here!
Lately, I have been talking to many women who feel sad about the fact that their men are spending very little quality time with them.
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Do You Miss Your Man’s Presence?
These women are busy women in their own right. They have businesses to run and careers to manage and they want to return home to a man who is present for them.
However, all they find is that their husband or boyfriend is lying on the couch, clicking TV channels on the remote, or playing playstation.
This makes them feel frustrated, and rightfully so. I can totally relate to this emotion, because my husband also often wants to get back home and watch soccer and enjoy a beer whereas I “feel the urge” to spend time with him. This urge led me to have “a talk” about it with him.
Why Starting A Conversation About It Doesn’t Work
Here’s what I realized: every time I started a conversation around this “spending more time together,” my hubby would close up and shut down. He would somehow feel “blamed” for doing something wrong.
You see, to him it feels like it’s his birth right as a man to have the freedom to keep doing things he enjoys doing as man even after being married. He is not watching soccer to ignore me or our marriage. He is watching soccer because it makes him happy, and helps him relax and shut his brain off after a hard day at work.
This is why he gets uncomfortable when I try to talk him into watching less football and spending more quality time with me. He experiences it as me trying to control his life and our relationship, and it puts him off.
I Control Because I Am Afraid
To make the bigger picture clear, my man is an amazing husband, and more than I could ever wish for. He provides for the family, regularly brings me surprise presents and flowers, plans the holidays, helps with the house chores, and is by my side whenever I need his support.
And yet, the need in me to “control” my relationship still gets the better of me sometimes. I feel the need to “tell him” to watch less soccer and spend more time with me.
The truth is that I feel afraid. I feel afraid that if I don’t force him and tell him to spend more time with me, my relationship will fall apart, our love will fade away. I feel the need to “manage” him and our time together, to “make sure” our relationship stays alive and passionate.
We Must Love In A Way That Our Partner Feels Free
All this control and pressure to spend more time together actually ends up making my man feel like he isn’t free, and any time he spends with me as a result of this pressure, isn’t actually bringing us closer. It’s “forced on” love, it’s love that feels “obligated” to spend time with its partner.
What brings us closer is when my partner makes the choice to come to me. What brings us closer is when he feels free in our marriage – this doesn’t mean freedom to act in unacceptable ways, but yes, it does include the freedom to be himself.
Ever Tried Holding Onto Water In Your Palm?
The harder you try to hold on to it, the faster it slips. The moment you let it be, it just sits there.
It’s the same with our men. The less tightly we hold on to them, the longer they sit there, and with more stability.
So this time, instead of complaining and nagging our men to spend more time with us or do anything more with us, let us try something different. Let us try setting them free.
Let us try giving them the space to be who they are and who they want to be in this marriage or relationship, giving them the freedom to be themselves.
And then, let’s truly enjoy and cherish when they return to us – because that’s when they have made the active choice to do it, that’s when they are actually missing us and wanting to spend time with us.
The Amazing Thing Is That, The More Freedom We Can Give Them To Be Themselves, The Faster They Return To Us, And With More Passion.
This is because letting him be actually means that we are surrendering to our feminine energy in the relationship, and he feels the change in our vibe. This instinctively brings him closer and inspires him to spend more quality time with us.
To find out more about what inspires a man’s long-term affection, check out my Reignite His Love For You Masterclass. There, I give you the two most common mistakes that we women make when we want to bring a man close (and explain why it’s actually backfiring on us) and give you the 3 steps you can take right now to start bringing your man’s attention back on you.
You can get the masterclass and its amazing bonuses here: https://samiwundercoaching.leadpages.co/reignite-his-love-for-you/
PS: For more expert advice, make sure you have joined Wunder Divas, my free, confidential support group on Facebook!
Thank you Sami, what you wrote was very helpful because it’s based on experience and introspection, and respect for the partner. Most articles that talk about this issue are just unrealistic and immature.