Here’s a common challenge for so many of us: fear and how to get over fear of anything.
I say anything because we are not just talking about fears in the realm of dating, romance and men, but also how to get over fears relating to our job situations, career, money, health, and every other situation in life.
In this blog, I am going to share my 5-step process on how to get over the fear of anything in your life, no matter what it is. This choice if this topic today has been prompted by a question that I received from one of you, my amazing diva community and readers.
“Hi Sami, thank you for doing the wonderful work you do. I am such a big fan of yours, and I am reaching out with honesty for your help and hoping for a response!
After doing a few of your smaller programs last year for single women, I have realized that I’m still stuck in a cycle of fear in all aspects of my life.
I want another job. I hate my current job, but I am afraid.
What if I don’t find another job that I love? So I stay in this and stay unhappy.
Truth is, I also want to find the love of my life, and I want to work with you in your group coaching program, but I’m afraid of investing in myself, and maybe afraid of my success as well.
As a result, nothing in my life seems to move forward. I am exactly where I was a year ago.
Sami, can you please tell me how to get over fear? Because these fears are really hindering the quality of my life!”
~ Sonia, United States
Sonia, I totally get it.
I totally get it because guess what? I still have so many fears of my own!
You see, no matter how big you get and how self-evolved and self-aware you are, at every level of your growth, fear is going to accompany you. Fear is going to be there, no matter what you are trying to achieve.
This means that there is no way to completely eliminate fear from your life!
Wanting to get rid of your fear is then a wrong goal.
Instead, the goal you want to set for yourself is how to healthily navigate your fears so that they don´t stop you from moving forward and achieving what you want to achieve.
Now you might have often noticed me saying on my community: “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”
Now I will show you how to do just this in a step by step way.
STEP #1: Reframe & Change Your Energetic Relationship With Fear
Even before dealing with how to overcome fear in a specific situation or context, the most important thing we can do is reframe the way we look at fear, in general. What if instead of looking at fear like an enemy that you have to hate and fight and resist, you started looking at it as your companion in all great things and decisions?
The way I look at it is that if there´s no fear, I am probably not doing anything new or great.
Fear is my companion in all my big, transformative decisions.
How does this feel in your body? Fear as friend and not as foe? Suddenly, it’s not a battle anymore.
STEP #2: Recognize & Accept That You’re Afraid
The next step on how to navigate fear is to recognize that there IS fear.
So many times, in different situations in love and in life, we feel deep, strong, sinking feelings in the pit of our stomach. We tend to believe this is our intuition but most of the times what we’re feeling is fear.
How do you differentiate between intuition and fear?
Great question, and I get asked this rather often.
The way to identify fear is to recognize that it’s intense, it feels negative and it holds you back from moving forward into expansive, joyful energy.
Achieving your desires feels expansive and happy and yet fear will stop you from going for it and make you contract energetically.
Fear brings you down, fear doesn’t feel good and it puts breaks on your desires and dreams.
When you want something, fear will give you 100 reasons as to why it is unsafe or unwise or not the right time to go for it.
So, if you want to go for that new job but, every time you think about a new job, your rational mind tells you why you can’t go for it – that’s fear!
If you want to attract your soulmate in your life, but your mind tells you that love is not for you, that is fear.
If you want to reignite the love and passion with your man, but your mind tells you that you can’t have a better marriage, that, again, is fear.
As you can see, fear stops you from even trying or taking a little risk in the direction of what you want to create.
It is mostly your ego (your otherwise rational mind) that generates these voices of fear and if you’re not aware of them, you will fall into the trap of believing them.
The ego does this because any change or transformation feels dangerous to our ego (mind), and the job of the rational mind is only to keep us safe. It is not designed by evolution to care about our growth or achieving our desires, only about being safe and staying in our comfort zone.
Your intuition on the other hand is a deep calm knowing. It is the whispering voice within. There is nothing kneejerk or intense about it. It originates within your body (not your mind) and it’s when you just know something is not right and you cannot even explain it.
You just know. It’s clear as crystal, if you allow this voice to emerge.
More often than not, your intuition is also the encouraging, loving voice that is saying, “Sonia, go for your dreams. You’re meant for big things, grand love.” It is your soul talking to you.
Again, you will only hear this voice if you let it emerge and have the courage to listen to it and honor it.
Now unless you are able recognize that the voices in your head saying , “Don’t do this, you cannot do this,” are the voices of fear, there is no way to navigate fear and not let it stop you.
That’s why, after reframing your relationship with fear in general, the second step in navigating any kind of fears is to recognize that what you’re feeling is “afraid.”
And the way you recognize that is by feeling in your body intensity of emotion and negativity and a vibrational “down” instead of a vibrational “Up”.
Let us take another example of the voice of fear.
I’ve been connecting with a lot of women who want to join the Inner Circle Group coaching program, the next round of which starts this April, 2019. We are so excited, by the way!
At the start, they all honestly email me and say: “Sami, I really want to do it.”
Then often, the conversations goes like this:
Sami: “Are you committed to the change? Are you ready to transform your love life?”
Sami: “Okay, let’s do it! Here’s the link. Here’s where you sign up. Here’s how you pay.”
Lady: “Oh, but….. ummm. Yeah. Uh, can I think about it? Can I reconsider this?”
That’s when fear kicks in and says, “Are you sure this is going to work? Are you sure you want to do this? What if you don´t get results? Why do you want to take the risk and push yourself?”
Those are the voices of fear. And these voices will never feel uplifting or expansive.
They always feel like they pull you down, but they do keep you safe, by the way.
And that’s why it can be so confusing sometimes to recognize fear, because staying in fear often also feels safe. It’s the only thing we know.
And this is what Sonia is experiencing in her situation. She has become so used to staying in her comfort zone. She has become so used to just living in her fears that that’s the most rational thing for her mind to do, keep her safe.
Therefore, thinking of anything more or desiring anything more is going to push her out of her comfort zone and her fears pull her back and want to keep her safe.
Hence, it’s really important to understand this particular aspect about fears, and being able to recognize them and being able to understand that our fears have no contribution in taking us ahead, but the only contribution they have in our lives is to keep us safe.
And safety is not where anything growth happens. You don’t achieve anything in the comfort zone, in the safety zone.
Now let’s go to the next step:
STEP #3: Tune Into The Energy Of Your Desires
Once you have recognized that that voice of hesitation saying “Don’t go ahead, you’re not safe” is actually fear, step number three is to tune into our desire and to ask yourself these questions:
“If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do and what do I want?”
“If I wasn’t afraid, what do I want and what would I do?”
Sonia, in your case: if you weren’t afraid, you would apply for a new job, and many new jobs. You would rotational date with your jobs.
If you weren’t afraid, Sonia, you would write to me and say – “Sami, I’ve been watching you for the longest time, I am so stuck, I want to do this. I want to work with you. I want to be brave enough and reach out to you. How can I make this work?”
Back to you, the one reading this:
If you were not afraid, what would you do, and what do you desire?
And after identifying the answer, it is time to fully tune into the energy of those desires, because that is what the universe is calling you to do. Your desires are the Universe´s desires, expressing themselves through you.
Your desires are a sign that the Universe is saying: “Hey girl, get over your fears and step into your best self and live your best life and go for that best job and go for that best relationship, and marriage, and love. You can have it all.”
Hence, write down your desires and own them. This is your truth. And know that every single leader on the planet, any person who has created any kind of impact, achieved any kind of thing, overcome any kind of personal demons, has gone through this process.
Your desires will lead you and empower you
STEP #4: Leap Over Your Fear
Step number four is both the easiest and the hardest. In this step you go do exactly that thing that you would do if you were not afraid.
I call it leap over your fear. Leap into love.
And this part is easy when you just go do that which you desire to do and that which you would do, if you were not afraid.
This is often the easy part.
The hard part here is the feelings that come up afterwards.
These feelings question your rationality, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you´ve done the most illogical thing on the planet. It is almost as if the fear voices (ego) get back with a vengeance, if only for a moment.
Here is where step 5 will help you.
STEP #5: Trust In The Love Of The Universe For You
In my affirmations and meditations, I talk about how the Universe is like a loving parent and wants to see us succeed.
Every time I leap over my fears and go in the direction of my desires and have a freak out, I remind myself to relax and trust in the loving energy of the Universe, that wants to see me living my best life.
This energy of trust in the love that the masculine Universe has for you, will also give you the strength and comfort you need, when you are making bold, radically new decisions for yourself.
This, ladies is the way to get unstuck in life, to feel the fear and do it anyway. If you feel that since last year or since the last two, three, four, five years in your life, nothing has changed then most probably it is fear that is keeping you stuck.
Remember, you are the captain of your ship and it is your job to move forward the ship of your life.