Do you ever wonder, “Are men intimidated by smart and successful women?”
I have many smart, strong, high-earning, highly-talented women as clients who come to me seeking support with their love lives.
They run companies, have MBAs and buy their own houses. These women can fix their own cars, strike deals worth thousands of dollars and organize international conferences. However, on the personal front, many of them are find themselves waiting to meet their forever man. Many of these ladies also find dating to be a nightmare!
Successful women can become afraid after repeated failures at dating. Some will feel afraid of having ‘grown too big’ in their success to ever find a man who will love and accept them for who they are—glory and strength included.
If you’re asking yourself if men are intimidated by your money, success, and brains, my answer is NO! And you do not have to ‘play smaller’ than who you are to get a man to love you.
We don’t have to play small to ‘get’ a man to love us. In fact, we don’t have to play any games to get a man to love us.
A healthy male has a good sense of self-esteem and confidence.
He sets his own goals and has his own accomplishments. There is no space for him to be intimidated by our success and power. However, a high-quality man will not fall in love with us BECAUSE OF it.
During my Masters studies, I made clever comments during my seminars. These seminars were full of eligible bachelors from different countries. While part of my cleverness was natural engagement in class, if I’m being honest, a part of it was also to impress the men in the room.
- The situation: I was single and looking.
- The problem: I wanted to win men by showing them what a great and smart catch I was.
While they were impressed by my intelligence, these men never seemed to ask me out. As a result, I felt frustrated and angry and told myself the same thing that my clients tell themselves today—“These jerks! They are intimidated by my smartness! They want a meek and demure woman to toe their line.”
Today, I’m a happily married woman working in my soul career as a love and relationship coach. I know the truth is completely different than what I thought back then.
These men weren’t intimidated by my smartness. They appreciated my intelligence and intellectual merit, but that was it. I connected with them at a superficial mental level and that was the only level at which they could respond with —“Wow, she’s smart” instead of, “Wow, I want to see her soul.”
However, it wasn’t their fault. I was the one blocking them from connecting with me because I felt afraid to be seen.
Vulnerability scared the hell out of me.
I would feel naked, insecure and worthless if all of my external achievements and honours were taken from me. Back then, I did not even remotely think that I could have inherent worth simply as a woman. I didn’t believe that I could be loved for just being who I was inside, the frills and feathers excluded.
In other words, my self-worth was attached to what I did and not who I was. The problem wasn’t that I was smart and accomplished and men were intimidated by me, but that I wanted to be loved for it at the expense of who I actually was.
Men simply do not connect that way. In fact, no one does!
As a smart and ambitious woman, I’ve been through a lot of trial and error in my love life. I learned this one fundamental truth: Men love us for who we are, and not for what we achieve.
Who we are includes our:
Our inner content is what inspires a man to get to know us. It’s what inspires him to connect with us in deeper ways.
He needs to be able to see us and we need to allow him to do so. A man does not fall in love with us because we have travelled over 20 countries, speak five languages, wear Chanel make up and run a company.
“We are loved for who we are,” might sound like the most cliché statement to read here in writing. However, it is rare to find a successful woman practicing this knowledge—practicing vulnerability.
“Men love us for who we are, and not for what we achieve.”
When was the last time you just sat on a date with a man without an narrating how great you and your life is?
When was the last time you confided in a man about your deepest fears and inner-most feelings?
Even the thought of letting a man really see us is scary. Being vulnerable with him would make us feel icky and activate our defense systems. Especially the strong and guarded part in us.
The fear of appearing imperfect and weak overtakes us in these moments. As a result, all we want to do is get back to appearing strong and together.
For many of us, this becomes the pattern of relating to others in our lives. As a consequence, we cut off the possibility of connection with others, not just men.
Therefore, it is not surprising that many successful women—like myself- experience disconnection with men. We attribute this to the man feeling intimidated.
However, it is important to note that:
1. Our achievements are incredibly valuable and have a place in this world.
There absolutely is a place for them and we should take full pride in what we accomplish. In fact, a quality man in the modern world will get pretty turned on by a confident women who goes for what she wants and gets it. And yet, what we want to understand here is that he will not fall for us because of it.
2. I distinguish a quality, healthy man as one who wants and craves connection and commitment with a happy, healthy woman.
There are men who will cave into their insecurities when they see how strong and capable we are. But those men are simply not the ones for us. When it comes to quality men, connection is inspired through vulnerability. It’s not inspired by success and accomplishment.
A man experiences a wall being put up when we approach them and try to show what a great catch we are by the things we do. He will have trouble connecting with us. Most healthy men will not feel intimidated by your achievements. Only toxic men who specifically want you for your money/power/status.
So get wildly successful, dear ladies! Get really good at what you do, enjoy doing it, and fill your life with it. Just remember—don’t expect to be loved for it.
Wishing you all the love in the world,
Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on The Elephant Journal.
If you’re a strong and successful woman who wants to be fiercely successful in love as well, I invite you to check out my free masterclass on 3 Powerful Feminine Energy Shifts For Career Women To Create The Love Of Their Dreams.