I had previously explained the three most important and dangerous reasons why a relationship can get in trouble. Now, let’s look at what works and what doesn’t work when a relationship is falling apart, and you are desperately trying to save it.
What Not To Do When Your Relationship Is Falling Apart
Do NOT Do #1: More Talking
In my experience as a top global love and relationship coach, the most common response I see women give when their relationship is falling apart is to TALK. We start conversations about the relationship, in an effort to solve the problems we perceive.
However, in the world of attraction and romance, talking (especially just dumping all negative feelings on our man without any care on how it will land on him) will not do any good is a relationship is falling apart.
Do NOT Do #2: Being Extra “Nice”
The second thing we do, is to compensate the fights and unpleasant moments by being “nice” to our man. We might buy him a gift, make his favorite desert, offer to give him a massage, or iron his shirts even though he never asked and he usually does it himself.
There are two reasons why this strategy does not work when a relationship is falling apart.
The first one is that all these “nice” actions that we are taking are not authentic. Men can feel the vibe behind our words and behaviors, and he will not be fooled. He’ll know something is up and will be put off by the disconnect between the “nice” action and the negative, tense, resentful energy between the two of you.
Secondly, doing so much for a man can easily fall into over-giving and over-functioning behavior. Yes, there is absolutely some level of flow and give-and-take in a marriage or committed relationship (and I explain it in detail in my advanced program Soulmates Forever). However, that ONLY applies to happy, healthy, harmonious relationships! If your relationship is falling apart already, that is absolutely NOT the time to step up the giving and doing.
Do NOT Do #3: Explaining & Convincing
We don’t like something he’s doing and that’s really bothering us, so we express it. Then, when the man doesn’t react the way we want him to react, we try to explain harder. We attempt to convince him, and we work hard to make him see the situation from our point of view.
I know how tempting it can be, but this reaction, once again, is not going to help if a relationship is falling apart. On the contrary, it will push the man away even more.
The reason is simple: explaining and convincing are both very masculine. And, if you are familiar with my work, you know that attraction builds on the polarity of energies, with masculine men being drawn to women in their feminine energy. And the feminine does not try to convince or work hard to explain.
Do NOT Do #4: Getting Silent & Shutting Down
When talking, giving, explaining and trying harder have all failed, this is the last resort.
We’ve all done it – that moment when we just say “Fine!” and go sulk by ourselves. Or worse – when we smash doors and bang the pots and pans in the kitchen to show how grumpy we are.
This is the most poisonous way of responding when a relationship is falling apart, because it can let one problem pile up onto another. And if nothing is said, the emotions are going to get completely shut down.
In this situation, most masculine men will ask once or twice what’s up. But then, if you don’t know how to communicate what’s up, he is going to stop asking and give up trying.
Thus, shutting down completes the list of unproductive behavior to avoid when your relationship is falling apart.
What TO DO When Your Relationship Is Falling Apart
Now, let us look at the three things you can and should do instead, to bring your man close and save your precious marriage or committed relationship.
TO DO #1: Take Personal Responsibility
This means that, no matter how bad it is right now, you just stop blaming him. Instead, come back to yourself and ask yourself: “What can I do better here?”
This will change the game for you, by shifting your focus. Instead of resenting what is there, you’re going to work on learning new supportive skills for your partnership. And it will give you the feeling that you’re doing the best you can do, before calling it quits.
That is why, in the Wunder world, again and again, we urge you to do the programs. The information in this blog or on my Facebook group is not enough to bring that big transformation that your relationship or marriage needs. But those solutions exist.
Soulmates Forever is an 7.5-hours long complete relationship manual that covers everything from the toxic behaviors to avoid, to feminine communication skills, to dealing with kids, finances, in-laws and chores (i.e., the most common sources of conflict and resentment) in a healthy way that feels GOOD to the both of you. You can find out all the details of this program here.
At an even deeper level, taking responsibility when a relationship is falling apart looks like examining how your own emotional baggage is impacting your partnership.
If you tend to blow off and start a fight seemingly out of thin air, you are most probably triggered by something your man is doing or saying. In many cases, this is your own “stuff” to deal with. Check out this workshop on Managing Emotional Triggers for a practical 4-step solution on how to heal and greatly diminish the impact of your own triggers.
On the other hand, if your relationship is falling apart because you often find yourself feeling insecure and not trusting your man’s love for you, or because over the year you have accumulated a deep subconscious sadness and resentment, then an energetic shift is the solution. Check out my specialized Relationship Reset video program for healing tools, teachings and meditations that will help you release the negative emotions and access more love and trust in your marriage or partnership.
TO DO #2: Learn To Communicate Better
The second thing we can definitely do it when a relationship is falling apart is to learn how to communicate better.
This doesn’t mean just talking and talking and debating a problem with our man – which, as we saw earlier, will not help if a relationship is falling apart. If fact, men themselves report that long talks are exhausting to them.
Instead, what I mean here is communicating in a specific way that your man can relate to and inspires him to work with you on saving your relationship and make you happy.
I truly believe that any conflict, no matter how hard, can be successfully overcome if you know how to communicate through it. And you can come out with a more intimate relationship with your man.
On the other hand, if you don’t know how to communicate, if you’re using the wrong words, if you’re using words that are egoistical, if you’re being hard in your energy, your man is going to feel it.
Feminine is softness. We can say everything, but we need to learn how to do it with softness and love. And that energy of softness and love and non-judgment is so important, because men are so sensitive to hardness.
To learn how to use communication to bring your marriage or relationship close again, check out my Speak To His Heart video program here. It comes with customizable, done-for-you scripts that you can adapt to any situation that is affecting your relationships, and, more importantly, it teaches you the ENERGY behind healthy, soft, feminine communication. Plus, the first part is dedicated to discovering when to speak up and when not not speak up – which will help you avoid the “don’t do”s from above.
TO DO #3: Rebuild Attraction & Bring Back The Good Moments
When a relationship is falling apart, it’s very easy to keep staying stuck in the negative and to keep focusing on what’s not working. Instead, I propose a radically different approach: to focus on the positive and rebuilding good moments with your man.
Infusing more positive moments in your relationship is very powerful, and it goes hand in hand with dialing up the attraction.
Notice something good about him. When he’s around, give his a genuine smile. Thank him for something he does for you. Laugh with him.
Again, this does not mean falling into masculine over-giving. Instead, it means dialing up the healthy feminine behaviors that I call the 4 As – appreciation, affirmation, acceptance and admiration. In the advanced audio program Soulmates Forever, I share numerous practical tools to practice the 4 As, as well as teach you how you can set the emotional tone of your relationship.
Creating more positive moments in your relationship will be a new foundation to build on.
And once the emotional attraction has been revived, you can have the more serious discussions, communicate your feelings and solve your problems – together.
Finally, I want to leave you with what is my deepest belief: the vast, vast, vast majority of relationship problems CAN be solved, with the right skills and tools. Take personal responsibility, educate yourself, and see the love heal your partnership.
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.