Should you date a separated man? Millie is interested in a man who is not yet divorced. Read on to find out her story, and my heartfelt advice to her as a love expert!
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Millie’s Story:
“Hi Sami. I am talking to this man online and we’ve hit it off like we’ve known each other for years. He is in Florida and I am currently in Chicago.
However, he has been talking about moving states to get together. He’s been separated from his wife for 3 years and he told me that he is very sure that he does not want to get back with her.
We’ve been texting and Face time calling for over 8 weeks now.
At this point, I am getting a little frustrated because I’d like more. I would like to see him in person and date him. Do you have any tips for me on how I could inspire more interest from him to come all the way and see me? I am so grateful for your time and so glad I have found you. Thank you.”
~ Millie, Cardiologist, USA
My Answer – Should You Date A Separated Man Or Not?
Hi Mili,
My answer is not going to make you happy, but I am going to give you the truth here, because that’s my job as a love coach.
You are wasting your time here with an emotionally unavailable man.
This relationship is not real by any means.
No relationship is real unless both people are fully single (emotionally available for a real relationship where they can commit to each other) and they meet regularly in real life.
Both these factors are absent in this case.
Let’s investigate more deeply the two core reasons why what you share with this man is neither real nor good for you.
1) He is separated, not divorced i.e. not emotionally available.
If in 3 years he hasn’t been able to divorce his wife, it could take him another 3 or 6 or 10 years to pull the trigger. We do not know when that will happen.
Are you seriously willing to put your love success on hold for that long?
He may even reconcile with her after all the drama, no matter what he says to you. Remember, men’s words don’t matter. Their actions do, and right now there’s no action at all from him to show you that you matter to him.
Bottom line: It could take him years to decide to divorce his wife, and until he does that, you’re technically going to be investing your time and emotional energy into a man who isn’t available to give you a full -fledged, solid relationship.
The man is, by definition, emotionally unavailable and not fully single.
What emotionally unavailable men are capable of are flings, affairs, one-night stands and even casual relationships like friends-with-benefits.
But even he knows that he cannot really marry anyone and give his heart to a woman he loves, until he is legally divorced.
This is why it is critical for me that you do not waste your time on this time.
Your desire to “evoke his interest in you” can lead you to attach and get emotionally invested in someone who by definition gets disqualified to give you the very things your heart craves to have from him – commitment, time, loyalty, promise of a good and happy future.
What you are feeling right now is feelings of chemistry, and you’re falling in love with the potential of the man and what he COULD represent and be for you, if he were to be fully emotionally available.
But the truth is that he is not.
You’re trapped in what I call Projection.
I talk in detail about not choosing men from chemistry or by projecting in Leap Into Love, which is my most advanced inner work program for single women like you who want to crack the code to love success and bring in that wonderful companion who would add to their lives and happiness.
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Now on to the second reason as to why he’s not good for you and this isn’t real.
2) You haven’t even met him.
I’ve said it on several occasions that no relationship is real unless you’ve met in person and continue to do so on a regular basis with weekly face to face time.
What you have right now is what I call a “virtual relationship.”
Virtual relationships exist on Skype, telephone, Instagram, WhatsApp and Facebook, and these are helpful mediums to support a REAL RELATIONSHIP that exists with in-person contact but they cannot by themselves create a real relationship.
Now, I am not saying your feelings aren’t real or that your pain and disappointment after reading my answer will be unreal. It is real and I have full compassion for it.
But what is important is that you understand that in a man’s world, this kind of “online” relationship is not serious or real.
Can your situation be an exception to the rule? Can this be an anomaly?
Your heart must be asking this.
That’s always a possibility, if I am honest.
The world is full of exceptions and cases where couples have connected online for months and met later and it’s all been wonderful.
Should you date a separated man who is 2 weeks away from signing his final divorced papers? Yes, sure.
But should you date a separated man who does not even have a date in mind to filing for divorce?
No, absolutely not.
Whatever exceptions there are, they don’t make me change my advice to you because this man is simply not emotionally available for what you want, as amazing as he may seem to your system.
Again, this is a case of projection and falling in love with potential vs. seeing the truth for what it is.
Normally, even in the case of long-distance communication, what I’ve seen with my clients is that men who are emotionally available and invested wouldn’t want to wait that long to plan a trip to come and see you. They wouldn’t be satisfied with just texting or calling. They’d instinctively want more.
A client of mine who is a CEO in the States actually had the man she was talking to online (her now husband) pay for her flights so that she could come see him as his schedule was crazy that week.
We taught her to say that she could do this as an exception this time but she’d appreciate him travelling after that.
The difference here is night and day.
The guy was emotionally available, and he took real action to meet the lady in question in person, as fast as possible.
So that’s my answer for you, Millie. Wake up to your worth and your value. Your time is freaking precious if you’re in your late 30s to 50s and you don’t want to waste it on someone who is clearly showing that he cannot give you what you want.
You deserve so much more!
There’s solid men you could date locally who are fully single and will treat you like a queen.
We show you how to attract those men in Leap Into Love. Check it out here.
Sending love,
Sami Wunder
