I was recently interviewed by Business Insider on the topic of why high-achieving, intelligent women can struggle to be as successful in love, as they are in their careers. In this article, I summarize the four main reasons why that is.
Most of the clients I work with are strong, independent, high-achieving and successful in their careers. Completely opposite from their experience in the workplace, they do not manage to be successful in love as well.
They know exactly how to get what they want at work. And yet, even more than other women, they find it a struggle to get a partner to commit.
After a few weeks or months or dating, they find that things can turn sour, and the relationship might fizzle out. Or even worse, men tend to simply ghost on them without an explanation
Here are the top 4 reasons I have identified for why it’s even harder for strong, high-achieving women to be successful in love:
Reason #1: Wanting To Impress The Man
The very first problem lies with women wanting to impress the men they go on dates with.
We feel like we have to work hard for love. It’s the same psychology that we apply in work, in business — if you work hard, you get success.
However, to be successful in love as a woman, the first thing you need to do is overcome this belief and the desire to “impress” with your hard work.
On the one hand, when women try to impress a man, they are not even being their best selves. They fall into what I like to call “auditioning” behavior, which is the opposite of showing up with authenticity.
Secondly and even more importantly, trying to impress is quintessentially masculine attribute. Think of the peacock showing off his gorgeous tail in front of the peahen. Or the lion roaring and ruffling his mane in front of the lioness.
And this leads us to the second reason why it’s hard to be successful in love as a high-achieving woman.
“We feel like we have to work hard for love.”
Reason #2: Acting From Their Masculine Energy
Don’t get me wrong – masculine energy is amazing. Having and using a healthy dose of it is the key to being successful in our lives and in our careers – just not to being successful in love.
In order to create attraction and love, polarity is essential. One partner needs to predominantly carry the masculine energy, while the other carries the feminine energy in the relationship.
As the Modern Diva’s Love Coach, I tend to work with women who use a lot of their masculine energy to be forceful, driven, and be in control. That’s great for getting ahead in the workplace.
But we are so used to doing it in our careers that, when we show up to a date, we are still doing it.
We offer to pay, we open doors, we don’t wait until he reaches for the check. This is all masculine, chasing behavior, which will push away masculine men and attract men who are more in their feminine.
Now, there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with a relationship where the woman is the masculine partner. Some women are happy to always lead, and they can be successful in love and have a fulfilling relationship by embracing the masculine role.
However, in my experience as a love expert, MOST women are not happy in this role. They tend to tire of always being the ones to plan dates and trying to push the relationship forward.
This is where cultivating their feminine energy comes in. Especially for the strong, high-achieving career woman of today, who operates in her masculine for most of her time, this can feel unnatural and difficult at first. Luckily, learning practical ways to switch from masculine to feminine energy can be a game-changer. This can allow the modern woman to channel this part of herself and become successful in love as well.
“In order to create attraction and love, polarity is essential.”
Reason #3: You Can’t Be Successful In Love Without Vulnerability
I believe this is a crisis in today’s society.
We live in a very confused world, where we don’t know what fosters love anymore. Even though we all want it, we don’t know how to receive it, or access it.
For many of us, we don’t want to open our hearts to anyone. We want easy, quick sex, convenience, and then we are not able to move beyond that point.
Many women come to me and say that they are intimidating men with their strength and career achievements. They believe that being successful at work is what’s preventing them from being successful in love. But believing this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Men are not intimidated by a woman’s success, but by her lack of vulnerability and connection.
And being vulnerable and open is hard when you’re in the habit of always having your guard up.
This is why, in my private and group coaching programs, as well as in my high-level self-study programs, I teach women to embrace vulnerability in a high-value way, including being authentic, expressing their feelings, and overcoming intimacy fears.
“Men are not intimidated by a woman’s success, but by her lack of vulnerability and connection.”
Reason #4: You Can’t Be Successful In Love Without Self-Love & Enough-ness
So many senior-level executives, CEOs and business professionals project an allure of having it all together. And yet, despite this, there is something deep inside, a voice of “not good enough”, that blocks them from love.
When you start to dig in to the hearts of these amazing women, you find that their identity and their worth is defined by what they do and what they achieve. These are women who, if they can do more, they feel more worthy.
In some sense, we are not dating to receive love, we are dating to get validation, to achieve something. But you don’t “achieve” a partner. You have to invite and attract them into your life.
Moreover, not feeling worthy and enough from the inside can also be why strong, smart, successful women can end up in abusive or toxic relationships. They think that if they just keep giving more to their partner, they will eventually turn things around.
In fact, to be successful in love, this is the most important thing we have to do: Believe that you are valuable just because you are, and that you are absolutely enough in spite of all your imperfections.
It has nothing to do with what you’re achieving on the outside. A man doesn’t fall in love with you because you’ve led so many meetings, and been on TV, and travelled the world and can speak five languages. He falls in love because of the connection that he feels with you.
“Believe that you are valuable just because you are, and that you are absolutely enough in spite of all your imperfections.”
And Yet – It Doesn’t Have To Be Hard!
Despite all the reasons I’ve listed above, becoming successful in love is far from impossible, even for the strongest and most high-achieving woman in the world.
In fact, as the hundreds of success stories in my community attest (check out a small sample here)– attracting and keeping a great man and a blissful, fulfilling relationship and marriage is easy with the right tools.
All that is needed is a willingness to leave behind the masculine paradigm used to get ahead in the workplace, and being open to learning a new set of skills for romance.