Do you find it hard to say “no” to people in general?
Would you rather say,”I’ll try my best,” or ,”Maybe,” even though you KNOW for sure that you don’t want to do something?
If there is a man in the picture (dating or relationship), do you feel pressured to be polite and “nice” instead of speaking up your truth?
Do you feel afraid that saying a “no” would upset him or look rude?
Here is my private coaching client Marina’s question from Brighton, UK.
“Sami, your work is transformational, and I can feel my life change from session to session!
I have a question for you. The other day, this guy and I had a great evening together (it was our first date) and we returned to my place to see my book shelf (he loves books)! It got a bit late, and since he lives an hour away, he asked if he could stay the night at my place. Normally I would never allow this but I felt so pressured to be nice. He ended up staying at my place, sleeping on my couch, having breakfast with me. It all felt “too much, too soon” if I can use your words from a newsletter directly. I think he could feel my uncomfortable energy too. Plus, he hasn’t called back since 4 days so that doesn´t make it any more pleasant. Is there a way I could have avoided this situation or got out of it without upsetting him? Thanks. Marina W.”
Here’s my answer to Marina and for all those of us who have a hard time saying no.
Let’s start with the good stuff.
1) Marina, you are doing great with feeling your feelings (of your discomfort with saying yes when you wanted to say no, the pressure you put on yourself to be nice, how your energy of discomfort was also sensed by him and probably pushed him away).
2) You also did awesome with separating the beds and making him sleep on the couch instead of jumping into bed with him without knowing him enough.
Two big brownie points to you!
Now the learning –
# Learning 1 – Your “No” Will Not Push A Good Man Away
Here´s the straight truth doled out to you Marina.
Your “no” will not push a good man away.
If this is a shocking truth for you to digest, I want you to ask yourself (and each one of you who has a hard time saying no) –
What would happen if you just said that no?
What can be the worst possible outcome if you said that dreaded “no” straight out to the man in question?
At this very moment, while reading this newsletter, imagine him standing right in front of you.
Now practice saying the following words to him –
“Unfortunately no, you can’t stay here overnight. I would not feel comfortable with that yet.”
How does that feel to you?
Strange, weird, extremely impolite?
You probably think it would get him angry, upset him and make him never want to see you again? Right?
A healthy, masculine man, with a good sense of clarity on his own needs and boundaries will never throw a tantrum at a woman who has her own set of personal rules and boundaries which she is implementing.
So Marina, please, once and for all, eliminate this belief from your mind that your speaking your truth will upset a quality man. It won’t.
Not if he is worth your time.
# Learning 2 – Being “Nice” Is Unattractive When It’s Not Authentic
We women think it is a helpful and noble quality to help someone and rightfully so.
However, there is one little but important qualification to this.
Your niceness has to be authentic for it to be appreciated by a man.
You have to feel in your body the desire, the ease of taking a decision in favor of someone.
If you don´t feel that basic, genuine “ease” in making a decision, there is no way the man is going to experience you as nice, easy-going or cool.
The whole vibe you are exuding is of discomfort and inauthenticity instead of kindness and open-heartedness.
The problem then Marina is not that you felt uncomfortable letting a near stranger spend the night at your place but your own discomfort with owning up and expressing your true feelings.
If you need more help creating and expressing strong, healthy, attractive boundaries, my Date Like A Diva video training series will help – it has a whole section on this, and it also deals extensively with how to handle sex during the dating phase.
Now back to you, Marina! You tried to be nice but your energy was all tensed, bound-up and uncomfortable because you were forcing yourself to do something you didn’t want to do.
Instead of bringing him closer and making him see you for the great and cool woman that you are, you sub-consciously sent him the message that you were not happy having him over.
In other words, what your lips did not say, was communicated to him anyway through your energetic vibration.
Only that he probably misinterpreted it and read it as you not liking him.
That might be one of the reasons why he hasn´t called back yet though we can never know a man´s reasons for sure.
Learning 3 – Saying NO Actually Makes Him Experience You As Attractive
A polite, genuine “no” is way more attractive than a fuzzled, hesitant maybe or in your case a forced yes.
Men love and crave authenticity.
They adore a woman who is clear about what she will accept or not accept from them, how much she will do or not do for them.
So far from your fear of pushing him away, I am here to tell you that saying a clear, sensible no is actually bringing him closer to you.
It´s truth talking. It takes courage. It is simply sexy to watch a woman be able to do that.
It makes him take notice of you. It spikes his interest in you.
It makes him see you as different from the crowd of man-pleasing women that are unfortunately in abundant numbers on this planet.
Ever heard the famous saying, “Men love bitches?” Frankly, I don´t think they love bitches.
They love authentic, real women who can comfortably speak their own truth, even if that means risking sounding bitchy, rude or impolite.
So Marina, for next time, I encourage you to speak out your discomfort loudly, clearly and without hesitation.
It will bring the right guy for you closer and you will watch your self-confidence spike up!
For more tips on how to create and assert strong, healthy and attractive boundaries in dating (and the general process of making him see you as the high-value woman that you ARE), check out my Date Like A Diva video training series!
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
Latest posts by Sami Wunder
- Sami Wunder On The Join Up Dots Podcast! - April 29, 2020
- DOs And DON’Ts When Your Relationship Is Falling Apart - April 18, 2020
- How To Write An Online Dating Profile: 7 Expert Tips To Stand Out Online! - April 11, 2020