The number one mistake I see smart, successful women make in dating is spending their time and energy on the wrong man, the man who has no intention to commit, the man who is just not ready for a real relationship.
If you've ever found yourself really liking someone, feeling the chemistry, and then slowly realizing something is off, this article is for you. As a women's relationship coach who has spent the last decade helping smart, strong, successful women find and keep amazing love, I want to give you the telltale signs that he is not ready for a real relationship, so you can stop wasting your most precious years on the wrong person.
Know When To Walk Away, And When To Keep Dating Him
Before we get into the signs, there is something critical you need to develop, and that’s the ability to walk away from any man and any connection, even if there is attraction, when you see these red flags.
This is where so many women get stuck. When you feel attraction to a guy, when you really like him, your hormones get activated. You think he's a great person. And then you see the red flags, but you still don't walk away.
If you're serious about attracting a husband, if you're serious about finding a real, committed relationship, my sincere advice is: please do not stay in connections with men where you are seeing these signs, especially if you're seeing multiple signs in the same person.
Now let's get into it.
Related: 7 Feminine Energy Shifts to Make Him Chase You and Commit
Sign #1: He Tells You He's Not Ready
This one seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how many women hear this and stay anyway.
If you meet somebody who says things like:
- “I'm not really looking for a relationship right now.”
- “I'm just looking to date casually.”
- “I'm just looking for some fun.”
- “I don't believe in marriage.”
Please do not keep dating such a person. They are literally telling you straight up that they are not going to be able to give you what you desire, what you want, and what you deserve.
As a dating coach for high-achieving women, I hear this all the time inside our group coaching program Elevate for single women. Women come and say: “He said he's just looking for some fun, what does that mean?” It means exactly what he said. Looking for some fun is definitely telling you he's not looking for anything serious. Stop dating such a man. He is not ready for a real relationship.
If you also have burning questions about your love life and modern dating, you can apply for a complimentary call with one of my senior coaches here.
Sign #2: There Is Too Much Focus on Physical Attraction
The second clear sign that a man is not ready for a real relationship is when there is too much focus on physical attraction.
If a man is wanting to escalate things very fast to the bedroom, he doesn't really want to make an effort for the relationship. He doesn't really want to get to know you. He doesn't really want to build something deeper emotionally with you. That is a sure sign this person is not looking for anything serious.
An emotionally mature man knows that just focusing on the physical is not going to help him get a real relationship. So when men put a lot of emphasis on the sex side of things ( too much sexual talk, pushing to get you to the bedroom quickly), you know the man is only interested in one thing.
Such a man is unlikely to make a good long-term partner.
Sign #3: He Has Too Much Baggage From Past Relationships
The third sign is when he has too much baggage from his past relationships.
This could look like constantly quoting and talking about his exes on dates, or referencing his past relationships or his past wife repeatedly. This person has not moved on.
Now, this one requires some nuance. Someone talking about their ex isn't always a red flag, it depends on the frequency and how he talks about them. If he's mentioning past relationships occasionally as a way of sharing his history with you, that can be normal. But if he's constantly quoting his ex, constantly referencing the past, I wouldn't call it a red-red flag, but I would call it a yellow flag. And when combined with other signs on this list, it becomes more significant.
Related: How To Deal With His Ex
Sign #4: He Is Drowning in Work
The fourth sign that a man is not ready for a real relationship is when he's drowning in work, and he may not even realize it.
As a smart dater you want to sit back, lean back, and observe the man in front of you. Ask yourself:
- Is he always stressed about work?
- Is he working 12 to 16 hours a day?
- Is he always telling you how tired and stressed he is?
- Does he show up late on dates because of work?
- Does he struggle to make time to see you consistently?
With workaholics, it doesn't get better, unless they make a truly intentional change. My hardcore recommendation: if you're in the early stages of dating such a person, move on. Because even if you work hard to get into a relationship with him, maybe you're attracted to his wealth, maybe you're attracted to his ambition, what you're going to find is that you're sitting alone at home while he's always on a plane to somewhere else.
I've seen it happen. Women in our online relationship coaching program Elevate have shared heartbreaking stories of celebrating birthdays alone, living a life that looks good on the outside but feels deeply lonely on the inside. Maybe you have the money, maybe you have the Ferrari, but you don't have a loving man by your side.
Money is important. Success is important. Attracting a financially capable man is important. But not at the cost of someone who cannot create space for a real private life. All the money in the world doesn't make for a happy relationship if he has no emotional capacity left for you.
If you feel that you are ready to build the love life of your dreams, where YOU are the priority of the man, it’s the best time to join Elevate, which is currently open for enrollment. It’s the world’s most trusted online coaching program for partnered professional women who want to heal the connection in their marriages or relationships and feel deeply connected, desired and passionate with their men.
To get a personal ovelife strategy book a complimentary call with one of my senior coaches. Here is a glimpse of the results that my clients achieve after Elevate. Remember, this dreamy love is possible for any woman:
Sign #5: He Avoids Giving the Relationship a Label
The fifth sign is when he tries to avoid giving the relationship a label.
If it's been three months or more and he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend, or hasn't had any conversation about what you are, that's a red flag. This person wants to keep it casual. Giving the relationship a label comes with responsibility, and he doesn't want that.
If you've been seeing someone for more than three months and he responds to “Where is this going?” with things like:
- “I really like you, we're having fun here.”
- “Can we not put pressure on this?”
- “Can we just see where it's going?”
Major red flag. As a woman who knows her worth, do not allow any man to play with your heart and emotions this way.
Here's what I know from a decade of relationship coaching for singles: a healthy, masculine man who is ready for real commitment will want to lock you down. He will want to claim you. He will be proud to call you his. Around the three-to-four month mark, if a man has been consistently seeing you and communicating with you, it is not a good sign that he hasn't talked about the long term.
Related: How To Become The Woman Every Man Chases
When a man likes you and wants you, he is in his head dreaming about a future with you. He's thinking about Christmas holidays, Easter plans, introducing you to his friends and family. He wants to weave you into his life.
So if a man is never talking about the future with you, if he's always focused on just the next date, just tonight, just getting you to come over, this is a very casual connection. In his head, there is no idea of building a future with you. Do not overlook this.
Sign #6: He Doesn't Introduce You to the People Close to Him
This sign is connected to the future-talk red flag and it can be one of the most painful to face.
I remember an Elevate coaching client who had been seeing a man for four months. One day, his mom showed up at the door. He opened it, shut it immediately, ran back inside and asked my client to hide in the bathroom.
When she shared this in our group coaching program, my heart broke for her. She was trying to rationalize it: “Maybe he's looking for the perfect moment to introduce me.” And I had to tell her: No. That is not what you deserve. That is not okay.
It wasn’t easy for her to accept it, but it became clear that this man wasn’t ready for true commitment. Inside the Elevate she got all the support that was needed to overcome the disappointment, move on and actually find a man that was ready to get married and start a happy family. If you feel pulled to receive high-level support in your love journey, inquire about the program here.
If a man admires you, respects you, and likes you, he should be proud to show you off, not ashamed to be seen with you. Keeping you a secret from his family and friends after months of dating, especially if you're also sleeping together, is a major red flag.
A real, healthy, committed man introduces you to his world. He doesn't hide you in it.
Sign #7: He Avoids Vulnerability and Deeper Connection
The seventh sign that a man is not ready for a real relationship is when he avoids vulnerability with you.
In other words: you never get to know anything personal about him. He never shares a weakness. He's always presenting a perfect, superficial version of himself. And whenever you ask a question that requires him to open up, whenever you try to build emotional connection, he avoids it.
Related: How To Build Emotional Intimacy With A Man
Watch for these related behaviors:
- He gets antsy and agitated whenever you bring up the future
- He tells you not to pressure him
- He tells you to “just enjoy the moment”
- He insists on a level of personal independence that completely excludes you, like disappearing for three-week holidays every two months with zero discussion
Healthy space in a relationship is two or three days. Running away for three weeks every couple of months is the behavior of someone who is genuinely afraid of commitment and not ready to be in a real partnership.
Is He in the Relationship for His Personal Gain?
And then there is one more sign, and one of the most painful, it is when a man is in the relationship for financial gain.
This is a reality that nobody wants to face, but I feel I have to tell you: if the dynamic in your relationship is completely reversed, if you are the one pouring into him, doing his laundry, paying the bills, while he positions himself as the prize, this man may be using you for your financial resources.
One of my private coaching program clients discovered this when she came into my Elevate program for women in relationships (we have a separate Elevate cohort for single women), and learned the principles of what a healthy, loving relationship actually looks like. A good man wants to provide for you, pour into you, give to you. When she saw how opposite her dynamic was, it was a big and painful wakeup call.
Healthy men want to give. Unhealthy men want to take.
Related: How to Attract a Loving Masculine Man
Provision doesn't always mean money. It can be time, energy, effort, love, and protection. But if a man in your life is consistently taking while you are consistently giving, combined with multiple other signs on this list , that is a major red flag.
What to Do If You're Seeing These Signs
When you see these signs, and all you want is a committed relationship and marriage, you need to walk away, even when it's hard. Even when you like him. Even when the chemistry is real.
I know this is easier said than done. Sometimes even when we know intellectually that walking away is the right thing, we don't yet have the emotional strength to do it. That's not weakness, that's being human. But it is where having the right relationship coach advice and support system makes all the difference.
Inside our group coaching program, we meet women exactly where they are: in their self-esteem, in their courage, in their process of self-love. We never ask anyone to just do the hard thing cold. We support you through it.
If this is calling you, make sure to book a call with us and inquire about the Elevate program.
Click here to book a free call with one of my trained relationship and dating coaches for women and join wait-list for Elevate.
About the Author:
Sami Wunder is a leading dating and relationship coach specializing in women's relationship coaching and helping high-achieving women create lasting love. Through her online relationship coaching programs and relationship coaching for singles, she has guided over 19,000 women to find and keep extraordinary relationships with emotionally available, masculine men.