The topic of why men ghost, especially around the 3 month mark, has recently been extremely alive in my community. First with a dear private client, then with an Inner Circle client, and now even with two separate women on my private Facebook group Wunder Divas! BTW, we’re an amazing and inspiring, private community of over 11k professional women. You can join our group here.
Now let’s break down the topic of why men ghost on women during dating, and what the most high value / diva way to respond to it is.
What Is Ghosting?
It is the act of your date / the man you’re seeing disappearing on you without any explanation.
It is called “ghosting” because that’s how it feels: from one day to the next, everything changes. You stand there and ask yourself: “What just happened? Is this even real? Everything was going so well…”
What Is Its Impact?
The impact of ghosting can be varied: If you’ve been expecting it to not last as things haven’t been going well anyway, you will not be that surprised when a man disappears on you.
It will feel bad, but, at some level you knew inside that it’s about to happen.
However, ghosting can be one of the most painful experiences to navigate when the man has been treating you like a queen for weeks and then suddenly decides to disappear on you completely, without any explanation. It is such cases that make you spin in your head, trying to understand why men ghost.
Here you were, thinking you’ve found the one – and there he is, disappearing on you like all of this never happened.
Now the second scenario is not only painful, it also lands many women in a painful cycle of self-judgement.
Besides trying to understand why men ghost, women also internalize the guilt:
“What did I do wrong here, for him to disappear on me like this?”
“Why don’t I ever go beyond the 3-month mark with any good man?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why do men always chicken out when a relationship starts to get real?”
Now here’s what I want you to know my beautiful one:
None of the above thoughts are true!
In fact, they are all the wrong questions to ask at this point, and will not give you information on why men ghost, or why a particular men has ghosted on a particular woman.
A man ghosting on you does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you will never be able to navigate beyond the 3-month mark, or that all men ghost on women they like, when the relationship gets real.
My husband did not, and neither did any of the husbands of my happily married clients.
To navigate this situation, let’s see why men ghost on women in the first place, and more importantly the high value response you can give in this situation.
Why Men Ghost
Well, there are several potential reasons.
A male expert, for example, explains that men ghost, often around the 3 month mark, because that is when a relationship starts to get real, and his fears come up.
Yet another says that they ghost because they get overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings and cannot cope with them. (Ah, my 2.5 year old son also has this issue currently, so I understand these men!!)
Yet another one says that men ghost on a woman around that point because they may not be ready to give you what you want.
My husband Chris (who I consult on all matters male-brain-related – he is more calm and quiet than me but with laser sharp masculine instincts) says men disappear on a woman when they are not sure that she’s their forever one.
Among all the expert explanations, it is ironically my husband’s response that hits home for me the most.
Because, as a relationship expert, I know that a man would try to overcome his fears, his insecurities, all his doubts, for a woman who he is sure about is his “THE ONE.”
His passion, his desire, his wanting to be with her will help him trump his demons and fears. This is the kind of woman I teach my clients to be when I help them do their inner work in my programs.
Being the woman he would do and overcome anything to be with…
So in some sense, all of these mental acrobatics about why men ghost on women do not interest or capture me.
They actually feel like a waste of time, a temporary way to distract a woman from addressing the real issue:
How do you respond to a man who ghosts on you, irrespective of WHY he ghosted on you?
Because his “why” does not matter… that he ghosted on you, DOES!
The High Value Response To Ghosting
I believe there are two things of importance here:
1) Understand that there is nothing you can do to make him change his mind.
Men do what they want, and the last thing you want to do in a romantic equation is beg a man to be with you.
I know you don’t literally beg, but when you send that text or call him to ask what happened, or even call him to call him a jerk, the energy feels one of begging and chasing to HIM!
When he ghosts on you, he’s showing you what’s going on within him. See it.
He is not calling because he doesn’t want to.
Yes, it hurts, I know, I understand, I’ve been there myself, so many amazing women have too, and yet these women have gone on (including myself) to meet other amazing men and create amazing marriages and committed relationships – and so will you.
So don’t reach out and don’t ask for an explanation. You can vent to your friends or to me.
2) Move on & start rotational dating
Yes, he may come back, and then he must work hard to win your trust before you can even think of giving him a second chance. A man who can get afraid once, can always get afraid a second time.
However, his return is not the possibility you want to actively rely on. It will emotionally block you from moving forward in your own love life.
So cry your heart out and start AFRESH.
Start rotational dating.
And next time, manage your emotional investment better. That is what this is ultimately about.
Men treat many women well, but they don’t want to marry all those women.
Don’t interpret that good treatment, more than at face value.
Happy weekend and sending love,
P.S. I am feeling inspired to do a 5-day coaching program, in live interaction with you ladies, to help single women overcome their BLOCKS in letting love in and women in relationships / married women to do a relationship reset.
These programs will be at a symbolic price of 97 euros only, so that many of you, especially our new readers, can experience Sami magic at a low-risk price!
Comment below and say “yes” if you’re interested in working with me live. If we have over 200 people interested, I will offer this! We’ve received around 130 “YESes” so far!
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.