If you want a man to fall in love with you, pursue you and commit to you, you have to learn how to create space. I know that sounds counterintuitive. When you like him and feel the connection everything in you wants to move closer: to text more, to share more, to be there more. But here is the truth that most women in dating don't know: men and women bond very differently. And if you are showing up the way you naturally bond, you may be doing the one thing that is actually pushing him away.
In this article, I'm going to break down the real science of masculine attraction, explain why space is not rejection, and give you practical steps to make a man pursue you without playing games, pretending, or shrinking yourself.
How Men Fall in Love: The Psychology Behind Pursuit
If you want to know how men fall in love, you need to understand how men bond.
As women, we bond through oxytocin, the closeness hormone. When we feel emotionally close to someone, when we can share our secrets, our feelings, our desires, that is when we feel deeply connected.
Men bond through testosterone, the pursuit hormone. A man falls in love not by being given closeness, but by working for it.
This is the core insight behind all of my relationship coaching for women: a man's attraction is activated through the chase, not the catch.
Oxytocin, the hormone that helps women bond, actually makes men fall asleep, especially in early dating. When you flood the dynamic with emotional intensity, constant availability, and over-connection too soon, you don't create closeness with a man. You reduce his testosterone. You extinguish the pursuit instinct.
What a man truly needs in early dating is the rush of testosterone around you. And that testosterone, that pursuit instinct, is not activated through overtly being emotionally intimate. It is actually activated by being able to hold space and distance.
The Two Types of Space That Activate a Man's Pursuit Instinct
When I talk about space, I don't just mean the space that's created when you don't text a man or call a man though of course that is also important.
If you start texting and calling men constantly, you would be in the pursuer role yourself. And you don't want to be in the pursuer role. You want to be in the receiving role. You want to be in your feminine energy.
Related: Feminine Traits That Make Women Magnetic
As a relationship coach for women, I'm always talking about feminine energy in my programs and on my channel. It is really about helping women attract men who are the giver, the provider, the more embodied masculine men.
And these men, in the early stages of dating, need that push of testosterone. That testosterone comes when a woman is in her feminine: she's leaned back, she's not pursuing him, she's creating that space and holding that space for him to pursue her.
If you are new to the concept of feminine energy, download my Feminine Energy Checklist. In this checklist you’ll find the most positive ‘feminine’ behaviors in dating that feel easy, practical, and straightforward to implement.
Emotional Regulation
There are times when men are not going to be present in the way you want them to be.
Maybe you are missing a guy and you want to see him more often. Maybe you are missing hearing from him.
And what's going to happen is this: if you're not emotionally self-regulated, if you can't control your neediness, if you can't control those feelings of “oh, I miss him, I really want to hear from him”, then you are going to act on those feelings.
When you act on those feelings, you're going to start texting. You're going to start calling. And you are going to kill the testosterone. You are going to kill the pursuit instinct.
I can't tell you the number of amazing women who end up acting this way, because it is really easy to play cool and be in your feminine as long as you are not that attached.
Related: How To Make a Man Fall in Love With You: 4 Qualities That Trigger Long-Term Commitment
But the minute you've been on a couple of dates and you're starting to really feel like this connection has potential, that is when it is so tempting to enter your masculine.
I know this because I've been there. I've done the inner work to heal these feelings, to be able to sit with my feelings, to be able to miss a man and still not act upon it. To be able to think: “wow, we really have a connection” , and still hold the space for him to pursue me.
Because otherwise I get in the pursuer role. I get in the masculine role. And that is one of the fastest ways to kill a man's attraction.
Sometimes it’s hard to understand what exactly is stopping you from attracting an empowered masculine man who is ready for commitment. I’ve created a free Love Blocks Quiz that does exactly this: helps you identify the key reasons that stop you from having the relationship of your dreams. This Quiz is based on my unique 6 pillar Love Success Framework™ that has helped 19,000 women attract and create healthy, happy, romantic relationships. Take the quiz here, it will take just a few minutes, but it can become a turning point in your love life.
Why Overtexting Turns Men Off
One of the biggest mistakes that women make in dating when they like a man is overtexting, and it’s especially common in online dating.
They keep texting with men. They're super available. They bond like they bond with their girlfriends: deeply, quickly, emotionally. And then the men don't ask them out. The men just keep texting forever.
Related: How to Show A Man You Like Him Without Scaring Him Away
And the woman is thinking: “Oh my God, if I just talk to him a little more, maybe then he'll ask me out.”
But that's not the way men bond. When you're available over text all the time, you've already done the pursuer's work. He has nothing left to chase.
Does This Feel Like Playing Games? Here's What I Want You to Know
If this feels like playing games to you, if you feel like “Sami Wunder is teaching me to create space artificially and not share my feelings with a guy when I miss him” , I want to tell you that this is not about playing games.
I know it can feel that way sometimes. But it only feels like that when we haven't done our inner work. When we haven't understood that as the feminine, embodied woman all you have to do is lean back, relax, and the right men will pursue you.
I know a lot of people push back when I say this, but the truth is, I am a feminist through and through. I have a master's degree, I make great money, but I will never deny the fact that men and women are different.
Women have estrogen, progesterone, and we move through a cycle. When we're in our estrogen phase, we're ready to achieve, to kill it at work. When we're closer to our progesterone phase, we just want to be nurtured, to rest.
Men have testosterone running consistently throughout the month.
This doesn't mean women are weaker than men. It just means that as a woman, I get to play with my strengths. And as a man, he gets to play with his.
And when an embodied masculine man and an embodied feminine woman come together, it is truly magnetic.
Think About the Men Who Don't Attract You And Then Apply That to Yourself
Think about the times when a man has shown up in your world and left you with no space to wonder, no space to ask yourself: “Does he really like me? Is there enough interest?” How bored you felt by those men! You feel turned off by men who come into your inbox feeling really needy for your attention. Sending you three messages, five messages a day.
You are actually more attracted to the guy who is a little bit aloof. Not completely aloof, he's not playing mind games, he's not ignoring you, but he's also not overtly available. He hasn't dropped everything in his life to cater to you. And you find that attractive.
Try to apply the same principle. Men also find it attractive when a woman is not available all the time. When a woman doesn't drop everything in her life to chat with him. When a woman doesn't cancel all her plans just to fit him in on the weekend because she's so eager to see him.
Related: How To Radiate Feminine Energy And Attract Men Easily
Men also feel more attraction to a woman who's got her life together, who's putting her heart first, putting her feelings first.
How to Give a Man Space Without Losing Him
So often, when you like a man, you forget all of this, all you want is intimacy and closeness.
I see this a lot with my Elevate clients, especially when they are new to the work and doing their first round in the program. They'll come in and ask: “Should I share my feelings? He changed the date at the last minute, should I share with him that I feel disappointed? Should I draw a boundary and let him know this doesn't work for me?”
And what I tell them is: not drawing a boundary at this stage actually makes you look needy. It makes you look like you really value his presence in your life and you are literally signaling to him that you care more about this relationship than he does.
Because if he cared about the dynamic, he wouldn't cancel at the last minute. If he cared, he wouldn't leave you hanging on a weekend and not make plans.
If you are recognizing yourself in these behaviors, my Love Blocks Quiz is a great way to start if you want to change this and attract a loving masculine man. It will identify your core blocks and you’ll see clearly how to move towards a happy relationship you long for.
Men are always testing women, just like you are subconsciously testing men.
When I was dating and had done my inner work, I was testing men too. I was asking: “Do I feel safe around him? Do I feel like he's strong? Do I feel like he can be reliable? Does he have his life together?”
And similarly, men are testing to see if a woman can live her life without making him the center of her attention. If she starts to have all these needy feelings “I miss you, where were you, I don't like it when you cancel at the last minute”, she is actually revealing to him that she values the dynamic more than he does.
And no man wants that kind of woman.
The Power of Walking Away
Last but not least: all men are going to be attracted to a woman who has the ability to walk away.
If he said something or did something you don't like, instead of lecturing, nagging, and pulling him down with all your words, try walking away and creating space. Try holding that space for him to realize that you are not going to keep rewarding him if he doesn't step up and show up in his full presence with you.
This is not a manipulation tactic. This is self-respect in action. And it is one of the most attractive things a high-value man can witness: a woman who loves herself enough to walk toward what she deserves.
Related: Feminine Energy Secrets: How High-Achieving Women Attract High-Quality Men
What This Means in Practice: How to Create Attraction With a Man
Learning to hold the power of space with men, both physically and emotionally, is actually a strength that every woman needs to learn and embody.
It is something I teach my clients inside Elevate, my high-level group coaching program. And it is so important that you understand this:
Revealing all your feelings, especially in early dating, is not a very high-value way of showing up. Because he hasn't earned the right for you to have feelings for him yet. He is still in the process of chasing. He's still in the process of impressing you.
My husband Christopher came for me with full emotional investment from the very beginning, because I had learned to lean back, hold the space, and let him pursue me.
Whether you're looking for private coaching for relationships, a best online dating course with community, or relationship coaching for singles who are serious about marriage, I have a path for you. Start with taking my Love Blocks Quiz.
You deserve a love that is deep, real, and built to last.
About Sami Wunder
Sami Wunder is a certified dating coach for women and women's relationship coach specializing in helping high-achieving, successful women attract emotionally available, masculine, committed men. Known as one of the best dating coaches for women in the online space, Sami has worked with thousands of women across 50+ countries through her online dating courses, private coaching programs, and group coaching intensives. Learn more at SamiWunder.com.